sexual assault

Four Letters.

kendallw257 Comments

I was not planning on publishing another post so soon. The words you will read in this one, have been sitting in the draft folder for years. Even though I wrote the draft, I was never planning on sharing. I actually tried to share excerpts on twitter a few times, but it never felt like the time was right to share everything. I was not ready. We all have those experiences in life where we tell ourselves, it’s just not something others really need to know. But this draft is another chapter in my story. And I can’t deny the influences it has had on who I am today. I can’t omit a chapter, especially when I have seen the miraculous ways God has worked. Tonight, God gave me the nudge and I felt the peace that I need to know, it is time to hit “publish.”

When I first started this blog four years ago, I desired for this to be a place where God would use my voice to shine His light in very dark places. I knew that some posts would push me out of my comfort zone into a place of vulnerability. Over and over again, I have listened as God reveals to people with similar experiences that they are not alone. It is worth every ounce of fear I feel prior to pressing publish, and every minute I fear judgment, for one person to know they are not alone. So, here I am tonight, questioning why God wants me to publish this now, when there is so much pain being felt by so many, and so much uncertainty about what tomorrow holds.

Brene Brown says “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.  Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” Here’s to taking the time to explore the darkness, experiencing healing, and shining the infinite power of God’s light into the darkness so others will be led to the only place where ultimate healing occurs. You are not alone.

Four Letters.

How can a single word evoke such deep pain?

When I say it, my lips tremble with disdain.

Filled with shame, I cried.

As I looked the pharmacist in the eyes.

That judgmental stare crippled me.

As I swiped my card and bought Plan B.

But there wasn’t a Plan A.

I wish I could say.

I have to remember, she does not know.

I begged and pleaded, “please no…no…no”

With the hopes of my memory being erased

I swallowed the pill, just in case.

The commercial made it look so easy.

So why am I now feeling so queasy?

That summer night, a piece of me was taken.

It was the very piece that should only ever be given.

I felt like I was left with a huge, gaping hole in my soul.

But, my Lord reminded me, that with Him, I am forever whole.

And clean and worthy and redeemed.

And all the things that I dreamed

could be achieved

If I stepped out of my grave

and kept trusting, and believing, and being brave.

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The Problem With #WhyIDidntReport

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It was not until I was able to identify the emotions hidden by the sudden onset of flashbacks to my childhood abuse and significant sleep interruptions that I realized we have a problem with #WhyIDidntReport. When I first noticed this trending hashtag late last week, I experienced an onslaught of emotions: anger, boldness, frustration, sadness, and vulnerability. I was enraged when I read my President’s words on Twitter, “I have no doubt that, if the attack on Dr. Ford was as bad as she says, charges would have been immediately filed with local Law Enforcement Authorities by either her or her parents…” As I read my President’s words and thought back to my experiences, I imagined him telling me “if the attack on Kendall was as bad as she says, charges would have been immediately filed with local Law Enforcement Authorities…” These words felt like a personal attack on me, and an attack on every other survivor who has made the decision to not report. As soon as I saw #WhyIDidntReport trending, I immediately jumped in and boldly typed my reasons for not reporting. My statement wasn’t tweeted with the purpose of raising awareness, but it came from a place of deep hurt and was more of an attempt to defend my decisions from what I perceived as an attack. It was a tweet sent with an urgency I had not felt before. It was an attempt to mitigate the shame that was creeping in as I questioned whether what happened to me was as bad as it was since I made the decision not to report. 

I am not going to share my political beliefs because this is NOT an issue of politics. It is a SOCIETAL issue. It is a HUMANITY issue.

There are literally thousands of reasons that victims of childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault as an adult do not report. And each reason is valid. You can view the hashtag to see why.

We cannot expect a child to report his/her own abuse. Children do report abuse; however, it is too often met with more questions than support. Here is an example of what happens when a child does courageously disclose abuse: Disclosure 1- unfounded/disbelief. Disclosure 2- made to a mandated reporter (teacher 1) with reports then made to the following individuals at different points (teacher 1, teacher 2, guidance counselor, social worker 1, social worker 2, SBI Agent 1 and 2, child advocacy center, counselor 1, ADA’s 1 and 2). This does not include family members and friends who want to know what’s happening in this child’s life. This disclosure ended in the abuser spending 48 hours in jail, 36 months of probation, and 12 years on the sex offender registry. Unfortunately, in so many cases, there isn’t a disclosure 1 or 2 for a multitude of reasons. 

An adult has the ability to weigh the options and choose whether the price he/she will pay for reporting is worth it, whether in the immediate aftermath of an assault or years later. For adults who experienced childhood sexual abuse and a subsequent sexual assault in adulthood, it often will not feel “worth it” to go through the reporting process again.  That is how deeply painful it is to make a report. 

Disclosures of abuse happen when the cost of not reporting is greater than the cost of reporting. Disclosures of abuse seldom happen with a person seeking some sort of benefit- because there is rarely any type of immediate benefit following a disclosure. Often, the act of disclosing and the decision to report is further traumatizing, maybe even more so than the actual crime. I pray for the day when every single person who has been abused in any form can report and it not cost them what it does today. But as a person who has made the decision to not report, I will not expect others to report in what society deems as a timely manner.

I am afraid that #WhyIDidn’tReport has resulted in more survivors taking responsibility for something they should not have to defend. I do believe it has resulted in a greater awareness of why we do not report. But it runs the risk of evoking deep shame and self-blame for not reporting when no one should feel those emotions for that decision.

Our expectation should not be for survivors to report more but for abusers to stop abusing. #WhyIDidntReport should be replaced with #WhyIDontAbuse.  

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Responding to Disclosures #MeToo

kendallw252 Comments

Over the last several months, we have watched #MeToo permeate news cycles. The movement has resulted in many people coming forward to share their stories of sexual abuse, sexual assault, and sexual harassment. We have watched as powerful  and/or highly-regarded men, particularly in media and politics, have finally faced consequences for the crimes they have committed. This movement has challenged people to consider how they will respond to these types of disclosures. How did you respond when the news broke about Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, or Roy Moore? Overwhelmingly, the response has been supportive for the incredibly brave individuals who have courageously shared their stories; however, there have been many instances of questioning the validity of such disclosures. Before this movement, society was not as welcoming towards disclosures of sexual crime. Victims were often blamed, rather than believed. Sexual harassment was considered the norm, just a piece of the “boys will be boys” culture (although women are perpetrators too). The #MeToo movement has initiated a change in the way disclosures are regarded; however, there is still a ways to go. 

I want to share two things about disclosures of sexual crimes that are often points of contention for people who are unsure about the validity of such disclosures. 

1). Disclosures are not always timely- in fact, more often than not they will come in the months, years, or decades after the incident. Many times, our lives are threatened, our family’s lives are threatened, our careers are threatened, etc. Too many times our abusers have been accurate in their statements that “no one will believe you,” which reinforces our silence. We were likely manipulated to believe that the abuse or harassment was either the norm or somehow our fault. Please, do not blame or fault us for not coming forward immediately. 

2). Disclosures probably will not include all the details. First, if the abuse or harassment occurred frequently or over an extended time, it is impossible to recall each incident in a moment. Sometimes, our disclosures may include only a small piece of our story in an effort to see if that piece will be believed before we share the painful details of our experiences. Most of the time, our brain simply can not piece everything together to form a coherent narrative until we have had the time to process the trauma with a counselor. It takes time. When I reflect on my timeline of disclosure, it took several years before I felt safe enough to share most everything that happened to me. Please, be patient and do not assume we are lying or making things up because we do not recall everything that happened when you ask. 

In my conversations with people who have experienced sexual assault, sexual abuse, and/or sexual harassment, and in my life, more than anything- we want to be believed and we want our experiences to be validated. #MeToo has created a place where this occurs, and my hope is that it will continue to change the societal response to disclosures. 

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Photo by: Mihai Surdu via Pixabay

I would love to hear your views on the #MeToo movement! How has it changed how you view disclosures either positively or negatively? How have you responded to the “downfall” of well-known individuals who have been accused of sexual crimes? 

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section or via the Contact Me page.