brave girl speak

My Body Remembers Before My Brain

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When I woke up this morning, I noticed that I just did not quite feel like my usual self. I had my coffee, dropped PJ off at the groomer and jumped into a busy morning of work. I initially chalked it up to left-overs from the migraine I had yesterday or the congestion I began feeling over the weekend. It was not until I looked at my Facebook memories for the day that I figured out why I felt off.

3 years ago today, I was packing my suitcase to fly to North Carolina the next morning as I prepared to face my abuser as he petitioned for removal from the sex offender registry. When I think about the moments before I left, I can still feel the anxiety and fear that filled me. The two days I spent in court for the petition hearing revealed brokenness in our judicial system. My breath literally escaped me and I gasped when the judge granted my abuser’s petition for removal from the sex offender registry. In shock, I turned to the victim advocate to ask “he’s off?”  

I broke for a moment. But I did not stay broken. During those two days in court, the same amount of time my abuser spent in jail for his crimes, my voice and my presence was unavoidable. I cannot imagine having to face that battle without the support which surrounded me. People across the United States and maybe even the world prayed for me and left words of encouragement that helped strengthen me. Benches were filled by “my people” who had walked this journey with me for nearly 12 years. When I took the stand, I looked in the eyes of those who believed me and were willing to sit with me on an uncomfortable bench in a crowded court room for two days and I knew I could continue with what I flew to NC to do- to have my voice heard. I am forever grateful for each person who was me with in person and in spirit.

While the pain still cuts deep when I think about the moment the judge made his ruling, the pain has largely been transformed into advocacy. 3 years ago, I had no idea the SAFE Child Act would be passed in my home state which would later allow me to pursue civil action against my abuser. I could have never imagined the opportunities to speak to audiences across the US and internationally that would be presented to me. If I had let the judge’s ruling and my abuser’s petition defeat me, I would have missed out on a lot of beautiful blessings in my life.

If you are in that broken place, please find a way to keep fighting, to keep healing. For me, my faith in God has been the ultimate source of healing; however, counseling has played a huge role in my life as well. It has been important for me to have safe, healthy people within my support system that I could turn to on days that were harder than others. I have learned to be patient with myself when I have days like today where everything feels off. I have learned that healing continues if I keep the momentum moving forward.

Exhale.

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Yesterday marked the end of a nearly one-year long quest for justice made possible by the passing of the North Carolina SAFE Child Act in November 2019. It was not until I exhaled yesterday that I realized in many ways I had been holding my breath for the last year. It is so refreshing to breathe again.

In what I can only describe as divine intervention, I learned in July 2020 about how the NC SAFE Child Act directly affected me. On Twitter, I commented on a tweet about a person’s experience with their abuser petitioning for removal from the sex offender registry. I received a reply from an individual I had no other connection to on Twitter except this one comment I had posted. She informed me that my home state had passed a “revival window” in which any individual who experienced abuse in NC could pursue a civil suit before December 31, 2021, even if their statute of limitations had previously expired. This information created an opportunity for one last shot at justice through the judicial system. Armed with a recommendation for an attorney, I began a new fight.

I had no clue how difficult this fight would be. There were multiple times where I considered just dropping the effort and money put into the process because of how painful the work became; however, each time I considered quitting, I thought about the children my abuser has regular access to now, and I knew I had to keep fighting- if not for myself, for them.

You may be asking the question I started with- what exactly is a civil suit? You can google it and find all kinds of definitions and websites that will explain it to you with legal terms. For me, pursuing civil action meant I would have the opportunity to make the effects of the abuse I experienced known and to once again hold my abuser accountable for his crimes. Some people may ask, why now? Why did you wait until fourteen years had passed from your disclosure to pursue civil action? I had no idea this option was available to me. If you have followed my blog, you may remember a post from July 2019 when I met with a NC Senator to discuss my concerns about some of the legislation regarding the sex offender registry. In that meeting, he provided me with a copy of the draft of the Safe Child Act- it had not yet been passed. I read through the bill which included the information about the revival window for civil claims; yet it still did not register in my brain as an option available for me to pursue. It was not until my Twitter turned IRL friend told me directly, you can do this if you want and here is how you get started that I realized this bill was for me.

I am going to be sharing more about this journey in the coming weeks. Tonight, I wanted to leave a message for anyone who has experienced childhood sexual abuse in the state of North Carolina. If an individual abuse you or if an institution failed to protect you, there is a possibility that you can file a civil suit to recover some of the damages you incurred as a result of the crime you experienced. For many of you, the time to pursue civil action is limited. While I am going to be fighting to get the “revival window” extended, if that does not happen, your time will expire on December 31, 2021.

If you are considering pursuing civil action against your abuser or an institution, please do not hesitate to reach out. I am willing to answer any questions you may have, and I can connect you with an incredible attorney, and others who have chosen to walk this path as well. Follow my blog over the next few weeks to learn what the process was like for me. Ask the questions now to determine if pursuing civil action is the right step for you at this time in your life because time is running out.

Recently, I returned to the swamp outside of New Orleans and got to spend some time in one of my favorite locations in the world.

A Letter to My Abuser’s Next Victim

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Dear Brave One,

I pray this letter never needs to reach you, but if you are hurt, I pray someone shares it with you. The person who abused you, also abused me when I was a little girl. I want you to know that I believe you and you are so incredibly brave. I will fight for you, speak with you, and stand beside you. You are not alone.

Every single day, I ask God to protect you and keep you safe. I have often prayed for our abuser’s repentance and for his heart to change through the forgiveness granted by Jesus Christ our Savior. That change is the only hope I have that you will never read this letter. Unfortunately, at the time of me writing this letter, there have been no obvious signs of our abuser’s acknowledgment of wrongdoing. Therefore, I am afraid he still poses a great risk to other children. That is why I am writing this letter.

My heart aches for you because I know the hope-crushing pain our abuser is capable of inflicting, which you are likely currently experiencing. Sometimes, I struggle with an overwhelming since of defeat because I am unable to protect you. Over the last 16 years, I have literally exhausted every option available to me to hold him accountable for his crimes so he would never be able to hurt you. I have fought so hard for you to never experience this pain. I am going to continue fighting for you, but now it will be at the systemic level. Where the system failed me, which unfortunately has failed you too, I will advocate for change. I desire for your days in the judicial system to be empowering and healing. You deserve that.

Most importantly, I want you to know that I hear you and I am listening. The days ahead will be difficult and you will probably question if the pain will ever end. The pain— it changes. Through the years, my pain morphed into zeal for truth and justice. There will be better days. One day, this will only be a chapter of your life. There is so much more I want to tell you, but until then, Brave One: Keep Speaking.

The Cost of a Disclosure

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Last week, a presentation I recorded in December went “live” at the International San Diego Conference on Child and Family Maltreatment. In my presentation I discussed the often-overlooked needs and losses experienced by family members after a disclosure of intra-familial child sexual abuse. I have decided to share parts of this presentation in this post for a few reasons: 1. Clinicians need to be aware of these impacts so they can help their client process them during treatment 2. Churches have the opportunity to minister to hurting families post-disclosure 3. Understanding the inevitable losses debunks myths about false accusations.

Relational Loss: many perpetrators do not act “all bad” within the family unit. In fact, they are often loved and trusted by family members. Following many disclosures in which law enforcement and child protective services become involved, the perpetrator and other family members are separated. In my family, my mom and siblings and I moved from the home we shared with my abuser. Despite the horrific crimes my abuser committed, he had been a constant in our lives for over 7 years. My siblings and I loved our cousins/aunts/uncles/grandma on that side of the family. In what seemed like an instant, those relationships were irreparably damaged. While the relational loss to my abuser was absolutely necessary and what we needed, the rationality of it did not squelch the pain of losing family. Young children will likely have great difficulty comprehending why they now can’t go visit Auntie who lives just up the street. Clinicians need to be prepared for complicated grief when relationships end abruptly due to child abuse. Churches can minister to families by increasing social support, filling the void that now exists.

Economic Loss: when the perpetrator is a primary caregiver/breadwinner, the family will likely incur significant financial impact. Because I grew up in a small, rural town where “everybody knows everybody,” I was signed up for counseling an hour away from home. This meant at least once a week, we were traveling over two hours round trip for mental health services. Gas money, co-pays, and time off from work = financial loss (though it was well worth the expense). Families may no longer have extra Children may not be able to participate in extra-curricular activities due to the loss of income. Eating at a restaurant may become a rarity when before the disclosure it was a regular occurrence. Birthdays may not be as extravagant anymore. Clinicians may consider offering a sliding fee for families seeking counseling after a sexual abuse disclosure. Even if the discounted rate is for a limited time, it will significantly help as a family begins rebuilding their lives. Churches can offer financial assistance to the family or sponsor a child’s fees for an extra-curricular activity. Churches can hire counselors or sponsor sessions so families can access mental health services without the additional expense.

Environmental Changes: the non-offending caregiver and children may have to move from the home once shared with the perpetrator. If the non-offending caregiver is unable to care for the children, they may be placed in state custody, potentially separated from one another. Children may have to change schools, sports teams, churches, etc. My siblings and I went from each having our own bedroom to all living in one room with our mother for about a year. We were incredibly blessed to remain together and live in a home full of love; however, it was a major adjustment for us during a very stressful time. The part I grieved the most was the loss of my pets due to the environmental change. We left home one morning for school and never saw our pets again. We went from having way too many cats (in excess of 20, though they all had names and were loved dearly), bunny rabbits, and my sweet potbelly pig, Petunia (pictured below), to praying they would survive without us. To this day, I still refuse to let my mind wander about my Petunia because the pain is too great. Clinicians can help kids and families explore how their environment has changed and what impacts they notice. Churches can support families with supplies to make the transition smooth. Providing families with care kits that include hygiene items, clothes, food, toys, and other basic necessities can lift some of the burden. Sponsoring a month or a couple of months rent for a storage unit so the family can retain some of their belongings that can be retrieved when stability is established.

Clearly, this is not an exhaustive list of the losses experienced by families after a disclosure of abuse. However, I hope it provides a starting point for how you consider supporting families in need. The prevalence of false accusations among children who disclose abuse is minimal. Most children who make a disclosure realize there will be a cost associated with telling the secret. This post reveals a glance at some of those costs.

Petunia loved birthday cake, potato chips, and mudholes

The Road of Justice

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All too often the concepts of justice and revenge are equated. In some circumstances, people may truly mean revenge when they talk about “getting justice;” however, in my personal journey and in talking with other survivors of childhood abuse, justice ≠ revenge. For us, the penalties our abusers face for the crimes they commit rarely amount to what anyone would consider revenge/penalty/justice. What length of a prison sentence would ever be “enough” for the pain a child experiences when the person they trust assaults them in the most repulsive ways possible? When journeying toward justice, our primary goal is rarely penalty for what an abuser did to us because there is no penalty a court could give that could undo the agony and pain we experienced during and after the abuse. When our abusers do face consequences for the crimes they committed, it facilitates the healing process and makes it a little less complicated.  However, we will face a lifetime of continued healing in the face of any judicial outcome. Therefore, our fight is not seeking revenge for the penalty we paid. Instead, our fight is for justice so no other child will experience the pain we felt.

Our journey toward justice is forward-looking. Our desire and motivation to seek justice is most often found in the experiences of our past, but our goal for justice is future oriented, for the children now. I once was the little girl that looked up to and trusted the man who ended up abusing me. I once was the little girl that crawled up in his lap to watch a television show with the family. I once was the little girl eager to spend one-on-one time with him. I fight for justice so the next little girl who desires those things from him does not experience the nightmare I lived and the trauma which continues to heal. I fight for justice so the penalties he may suffer will be a deterrent the next time he considers sexually abusing a child.

Justice is not sought only in the eyes of the court. I move further down the road of justice each time I hit publish on this blog. Each time I use my voice for the voiceless child I once was, justice occurs, because I’m no longer bound to muteness, living under the threats of secrecy.

Justice also comes when others use their voices with us. When elected officials and voters choose to enact laws that better serve survivors of childhood abuse such as the SAFE Child Act (S.B. 199) in my home state of North Carolina, they are seeking justice with us. To each official who supported this bill and each person who voted for it, I thank you. If you experienced childhood sexual abuse in North Carolina, I encourage you to read more about this bill at the following link: https://ncdoj.gov/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/SAFE-Child-Fact-Sheet_Final_Nov2019.pdf Feel free to contact me if you have any questions about how it may impact you.

This is not an individual journey. It is one we must take together to ensure the protection of children who deserve a life free from abuse.  

Back to Blogging

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I may have been silent for the previous six months on my blog but that is because my voice has been loud in other places as I continue to fight against childhood sexual abuse. The blogging hiatus is coming to an end and I will soon be sharing some life updates. Until then, I thought I would share some thoughts I had when I came across part of a poem, I wrote a while back.

Come to my room, my dear

You have nothing to fear

It’s our time together

Please, let me float like a feather

Through the air, with the wind

I can’t get away, I’m pinned

What is happening, I don’t understand

Don’t worry my dear, this is all planned

What happened in your bed

Where my mother laid her head

Took what was mine

When I was just nine

Secrets unspoken.

Imagination broken.

Innocence stolen.

When my abuser invited me to his room, I entered with enthusiasm, fearlessness, and an imagination strongly intact. When I left his room, my enthusiasm was replaced with confusion, my fearlessness was replaced with immense fear, and my imagination was completely shattered. His choices changed the trajectory of my childhood. His actions essentially ended my childhood. My ability to play with Barbie dolls or stuffed animals ended.

Trauma not only impacts a person physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; trauma also closes one chapter in the book of life and opens a new one. Now, there is point in which life is measured in the before and after.

Experiencing how abuse drastically changed my life fuels my desire to fight this injustice. The chapter I now enter involves fierce advocacy and a continued fight for children still being abused. Little children should never be forced to hold secrets. A little one’s imagination should never be shattered. Innocence should never be stolen.

Stay tuned for more #bravegirlspeak

9/10 years old

Four Letters.

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I was not planning on publishing another post so soon. The words you will read in this one, have been sitting in the draft folder for years. Even though I wrote the draft, I was never planning on sharing. I actually tried to share excerpts on twitter a few times, but it never felt like the time was right to share everything. I was not ready. We all have those experiences in life where we tell ourselves, it’s just not something others really need to know. But this draft is another chapter in my story. And I can’t deny the influences it has had on who I am today. I can’t omit a chapter, especially when I have seen the miraculous ways God has worked. Tonight, God gave me the nudge and I felt the peace that I need to know, it is time to hit “publish.”

When I first started this blog four years ago, I desired for this to be a place where God would use my voice to shine His light in very dark places. I knew that some posts would push me out of my comfort zone into a place of vulnerability. Over and over again, I have listened as God reveals to people with similar experiences that they are not alone. It is worth every ounce of fear I feel prior to pressing publish, and every minute I fear judgment, for one person to know they are not alone. So, here I am tonight, questioning why God wants me to publish this now, when there is so much pain being felt by so many, and so much uncertainty about what tomorrow holds.

Brene Brown says “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.  Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” Here’s to taking the time to explore the darkness, experiencing healing, and shining the infinite power of God’s light into the darkness so others will be led to the only place where ultimate healing occurs. You are not alone.

Four Letters.

How can a single word evoke such deep pain?

When I say it, my lips tremble with disdain.

Filled with shame, I cried.

As I looked the pharmacist in the eyes.

That judgmental stare crippled me.

As I swiped my card and bought Plan B.

But there wasn’t a Plan A.

I wish I could say.

I have to remember, she does not know.

I begged and pleaded, “please no…no…no”

With the hopes of my memory being erased

I swallowed the pill, just in case.

The commercial made it look so easy.

So why am I now feeling so queasy?

That summer night, a piece of me was taken.

It was the very piece that should only ever be given.

I felt like I was left with a huge, gaping hole in my soul.

But, my Lord reminded me, that with Him, I am forever whole.

And clean and worthy and redeemed.

And all the things that I dreamed

could be achieved

If I stepped out of my grave

and kept trusting, and believing, and being brave.

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Don’t Wait for the Birds or the Bees

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Most parents will agree that having the “birds and bees” talk with your children is one of the most uncomfortable conversations in the world. Teaching children appropriate names of the genitalia is equally uncomfortable for most. Some parents may question whether early sex education will steal their child’s naivety, often framed as “innocence.” Will teaching children about sex steal their childhood? These concerns are common and valid; however, I want to share my thoughts on why it is important to educate and empower children as early as possible.

You probably still get that feeling of discomfort when you think back to the time your parents had the birds and bees talk with you. When we talk to young children about the topics covered in this post, it should not take place in the format of a lecture and or a sit-down serious conversation. The conversations should occur more naturally where we seize opportunities that present in a variety of contexts. Mary Flo Ridley describes how she talked with her children about how to know whether a baby is a boy or girl when born. Her son stated “well, because if it’s a girl, she’ll have a boy; and if it’s a boy, he’ll be wearing blue.” Sure, she could have left the conversation there; instead, she explained how babies are born naked and if the baby is a boy he will have these body parts and if the baby is a girl she will have these body parts. This was a non-threatening and flowing conversation. It was not scheduled or planned. When we are on the lookout for these opportunities we will find them. A link to more resources from Mary Flo Ridley will be included at the end of this post. 

We must remember that God created sex. Sex, by God’s design, is sacred as two become one. When we question if teaching our kids about sex will steal their childhood, we inadvertently send the message that there is something bad about sex. We do not want to over-expose children to sexual information; however, I believe we can find balance in teaching them about privacy and how sex is designed for adults within the covenant of marriage. As a parent or caregiver, you have the opportunity to teach your children first about the beautiful way God created their bodies and why God created sex as well as the very clear context he created it to occur. I want to be the one to one day teach my children about their bodies and sex- before media tells them, before a friend tells them, and definitely before an abuser tells them. You can choose the narrative your child first hears about sex.

The narrative you begin with can simply include the correct terms for various body parts, as described in the example earlier. It teaches children why we wear clothes and why some body parts are considered private. The early education should focus on the biological aspects of sex, not the sensual aspects. However, you can help children understand what a safe, healthy touch feels like compared to a hurtful touch or a confusing touch by teaching children about feelings. Provide them the tools to know what steps to take if they experience a hurtful or confusing touch. When children are taught this information at an early age and their questions are received with warmth and age-appropriate answers, they become comfortable with these conversations. This foundation will be integral for the days when talking with your teen about sex is met with eye-rolls, shrugs of the shoulders, and embarrassed silence.

We live in a sex-accessible world. Studies suggest the average age of a child’s first exposure to pornographic material is anywhere from 8 years old to 11 years old; however, any child with access to the internet or television, also has access to pornography. Even without unsupervised internet access, children are going to begin learning about sex anytime they hang out with other children. Children’s minds are sponges- they hear and see things they do not understand and will attempt to process that information by talking to others about those very things they heard and saw. Decades ago, maybe it would be realistic to wait until a child reached puberty to talk with him/her about sex because a parent could reasonably control whether a child could access sexually explicit material. There was far less sexually explicit material available. It would require a child stumbling across a magazine hidden in a drawer or possibly a pay-per-view channel on the television. While many children were still exposed at an early age to pornography, it simply was not as easy to access as it is today. The day you decide your child can access the internet unsupervised is the day they need to know about sex and pornography. Whether the child is using the internet at school, at a library, at a friend’s house, on a parent’s smart phone, through a gaming system, or on the desktop computer in the living room, we need to assume that child will be exposed to pornography. There are wonderful apps and software available that work really hard to block certain material on devices, but there are always loopholes and pornographers are continuously creating ways to target children and expose them to pornography. Once again, we do not want children to learn about sex from the images and videos depicted in pornography.

Teaching a child about his/her body and sex will empower him/her by providing the words he/she needs to describe what has happened if he/she has been abused.  I often reflect on what information or knowledge may have helped me to disclose earlier. While I can never know for certain, I definitely think I would have understood what my abuser was doing to me was sexual if I had a greater understanding of sex at the age he began abusing me- eight years old. Abusers tell children that what they are doing is normal or it is their special secret. Abuser may even explain how what they are doing will actually benefit the child because they are teaching them things they need to know. I remember feeling absolutely gross and disgusting when I believed my abuser was peeing on me. I did not know that my abuser was actually using me for sexual stimulation. I did not know that penises had any other purpose than for boys to urinate. I did not know there was a thing called sex that should only involve a mommy and daddy. I did not know that I was being sexually abused. I did not know.

Not only does educating children about their bodies and sex empower them, I also believe it can serve as a protective factor. While it will never be a fool-proof way of protecting children from manipulative abusers, I do believe it is worth the initial discomfort adults may experience in these conversations to decrease the likelihood a child will be abused. Imagine how an abuser may respond differently to a child who questions: Why are you showing me your penis? Or, my daddy taught me that vaginas are private, and it is not okay for anyone to show a child a vagina or a penis. Imagine next how an abuser may respond to a child who shows an initial curiosity when seeing a penis for the first time and asks, what is that, or a child who silently does whatever the abuser instructs. When we as adults willingly answer children’s questions as honestly and truthfully as possible with age appropriate information, it teaches children that they can ask mommy or daddy any question. They can tell an adult when something confusing or uncomfortable happens. The adults have showed a genuine interest in what they experience on a daily basis. Children need adults that they can ask or tell anything without feeling shame, embarrassment, or like they are an annoyance. 

There is never a time when sexual abuse is a victim’s fault. Neither a child nor an adult should ever be blamed for not disclosing sexual abuse. Educating a child about sex and his/her body will not prevent a child from being sexually abused.

We have the opportunity to choose what narrative about sex will be the foundation for a child. We can provide a child with knowledge about his/her body and how God uniquely designed him/her. We can equip the children with the vocabulary to describe abuse and other inappropriate acts they may experience that will clearly depict what occurred, which is very important for law enforcement. We dismantle confusion about what is healthy and what is unacceptable. We empower children through these conversations. We can make a difference.

bee perched on white petaled flower closeup photography
Photo by Thijs van der Weide on Pexels.com

Resources

Mary Flo Ridley: https://birds-bees.com/

Family Life/Mary Flo Ridley: https://www.familylife.com/podcast/guest/mary-flo-ridley/

Darkness to Light: https://www.d2l.org/education/5-steps/step-3/

National Child Traumatic Stress Network: https://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/resources/fact-sheet/caring_for_kids_what_parents_need_know_about_sexual_abuse.pdf

Play It Safe: https://www.playitsafe.org/index_parents.php

Secret, Surprise, or Private

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“Don’t tell                               . It’s a secret.”

“I’ll only tell you if you can keep it a secret.”

“This is our little secret, you better not tell anyone- or else.”

Secrets are dangerous. Secrets are heavy. Secrets hurt.

Most of us grew up with secrets. I definitely remember keeping secrets with my friends and siblings in early elementary school and even throughout middle and high school. Whether it was a secret about kissing a boy on the playground or about my plans for my next trick to play on my siblings, my secrets seemed fairly innocent and inconsequential. It was not until I was threatened with serious harm or death that I found myself inside the prison secrets create.

“This is our little secret, you better not tell anyone- or else.” -My Abuser

When my abuser sternly uttered those words after the first episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, I knew exactly what he meant when he told me this was our secret. I also knew what he was implying when he said “or else.” I was consumed with making sure I kept this secret. I worked hard at making everything look normal. I did not say things that would cause one to question me about my secret. In health class, I did not dare make eye contact with the teacher when we talked about the chapter on abuse.

Take a moment and think about a secret you have been holding?

A secret about something in your life or in someone else’s life.

What is the weight of holding that secret?

At a young age, I learned that secrets are things you do not break. If you tell a secret, someone gets mad at you or someone gets in trouble. Secrets are unspoken. I could keep a secret.

My secret placed me in a prison that was filled with pain, isolation, loneliness, worry, fear, and immense hopelessness. Breaking that secret only occurred when I was more afraid of keeping the secret than sharing it with another person. Breaking the secret is the only way I escaped the prison my abuser built.

I wholeheartedly believe that we should live a life without secrets. But, how is this possible without having everyone in my business?

Last week, I came across an incredible graphic from The Mama Bear Effect which distinguishes between secrets and surprises. It is included at the end of this post; however, I would like to add another category to consider, privacy.

So, what does this mean for us and more importantly, what does this mean for the children in our lives?

Let’s look at secrets first.

Secrets are tactics abusers regularly employ to ensure a child will not disclose abuse to someone else. Often, a threat is included with the instruction to keep a secret. In general, secrets are rarely positive, healthy, or encouraging. Research has identified 38 types of secrets that people tend to keep, ten of which are referenced in this psychology today article. As you can see from the list, many are painful. Most secrets are intended to be kept forever. We do not say, “okay, I’m going to keep this secret for two weeks.” Breaking a secret can feel dangerous and very frightening. There are major consequences for telling a secret. If the secret is ever revealed, it involves as few people possible.

Surprises are those things that we do not want someone to find out about, yet. We throw surprise parties and purchase gifts that will be the ultimate surprise. Surprises are usually positive and exciting. We may tell someone to keep a certain gift or event a secret from someone, but what we really mean is that we want them to keep it a surprise. Surprises are temporary and time-limited. When we share the surprise, we typically invite multiple people to participate. We do have to exercise some caution with surprises because abusers may provide a child with a surprise (a gift or special time together) and then instruct that it the”surprise” must be kept a secret from his or her family and friends. While it may seem strange to say “let’s keep this a surprise” because we are accustomed to using the word secret, it is something we should challenge ourselves to implement. The next time you and the kids make a Father’s Day gift, let’s teach the kids that we are making a surprise and when Father’s Day arrives, that is when we can tell/show Daddy the surprise we made.

Private things or privacy is fluid. When we were children, we had very little privacy. Someone put us in bed, someone helped us in the bathroom, and someone helped us get dressed. As we got older, our privacy increased. We began shutting the door when we used the bathroom. We were able to talk on the telephone without a parent being in the room. We could use the computer on our own. We begin to learn what conversations are appropriate for which environments. Privacy for children and teens is a privilege. Parents increase and decrease the amount of privacy allowed in order to balance freedom and independence with safety and discipline. Privacy includes who is allowed into our houses and our bedrooms. Clothing keeps some of our body parts private, exercising modesty. Privacy will look different in each family.

Let’s empower our children by making a “No Secrets” rule in our families. Take away tactics abusers use to control their victims and give that power to the children. Lift that burden from a child’s arms so they do not grow weary and more frightened.

Let’s challenge ourselves to use the appropriate terminology. “Am I asking someone to keep a secret or a surprise?” Is this something that should stay private or can it be publicized?

Most importantly, have regular, intentional, honest conversations about abuse with your child encouraging them to always tell an adult when something or someone makes them feel uncomfortable, nervous, scared or sad.

For more information, I encourage you to check out the Mama Bear Effect for more resources.

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Sexual Abuse in the Presence of Others: COVID-19 Version

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I originally wrote this post around the holidays in 2016; however, I believe it is an important one to reshare as we face the coronavirus pandemic and many people are confined to their homes.

This was a difficult post to revisit, especially during this time when I know so many children are living their worst nightmare with no opportunity for escape. Of all my posts, I believe this is one of the most important for people to read because it describes the unimaginable- abuse happening right in front of us. Most of us feel immune to this type of experience- it can’t/won’t happen in my family. I’m sure my family would have said the same thing too. Yet, feeling that way did not protect me. We need to be willing to remove the blinders of security, step into the uneasy, and face the reality. Hopefully, this will never be your family’s story. Being proactive can reduce the chances of this becoming you and your child’s reality.

As many of us are spending much more time physically together with family or friends, it is important to acknowledge and understand how abuse happens despite being in the presence of other people. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network reports that “approximately three-quarters of reported cases of child sexual abuse are committed by family members or other individuals who are considered part of the victim’s ‘circle of trust.”

I know it is hard to imagine anyone in your family or extended circle of trust harming your child, but it has happened too many times to too many people and we can’t ignore this any longer.

I believe many people have the misconception that sexual abuse can only occur behind closed doors or when the abuser is alone with their victim. We sometimes have the thought “well no one will try to do anything with so many people around watching.” Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Abuse can happen in your presence and abusers are so powerful in their manipulation skills that no one will be wiser.

There were many times my abuser was brazen enough to abuse me in the presence of others. Some evenings when I was a child, my family would sit around and watch television together in the living room. It became expected of me to grab a quilt and sit in my abuser’s lap during what should have been a safe and innocent bonding time. He would use this time to touch me inappropriately with both his hands and his genitals.

He was bold enough to do this because he knew how much he had manipulated me. I was so fearful in those moments that I would sit and act as normal as possible, muscles tensed as I did my best not to flinch, while he abused me. During those moments, I never dared to push the quilt away, screaming to reveal what was happening to me under that family heirloom.

We had a swimming pool in our yard and would regularly swim as a family and sometimes with neighbors. There could be 5 other people in the pool, yet if my abuser was in there at the same time as me, I knew what would happen. As he tossed each child in the air to splash in the pool, I knew my turn would eventually arrive. I didn’t have the voice to say no. Just before I would fly through the air, I would be touched inappropriately. No one seemed to notice and I never alerted anyone to what was happening in the pool because I lived by the rules of my abuser.

One simple act- removing the blanket, screaming, or even leaving my bathing suit malfunctioned from my abuser’s touch, could have revealed to someone the abuse I was enduring. As an 8-11-year-old child, I didn’t have the fight in me to do anything more than simply survive, and that meant, abiding by my abuser’s rules. All of my energy was devoted to maintaining the façade that everything was perfect in my life and meeting all of my abuser’s requests.

An adult has to step up and fight for us. You can be the person to do just that.

If you have children, I hope you will take the time to talk about body rights and healthy, safe touch. Empower them. Monitor their interactions with other adults, teens, and children, even if it is someone you trust. If your child appears fearful or nervous around certain people, do not brush it off as shyness- ask questions. If your child does not want to be alone with someone- ask questions. Help the child understand how to voice situations that are uncomfortable. Be willing to check what is happening under the blankets. Give them the choice of whether or not to hug a family member. Maybe a handshake or high five is more comfortable for your child. Fight through the discomfort this type of conversation may bring and have these necessary conversations now.

My intention is not to make you paranoid about every person your child comes into contact with, but to make you aware that abuse does happen in the presence of other people. It is not always isolated an incident. Abusers will not stop abusing simply because we are under a stay-at-home order; unfortunately, this gives them more opportunities to abuse. We have to be vigilant in protecting the children in our lives.

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