An Unexpected GPS Route

I don’t make the drive to NC often enough to be confident enough not to use GPS. There have been a few times I had a little too much confidence in my capacity for directions and the trips took much longer than they should. On my most recent trip to NC, I realized my GPS was taking me a different route than usual; however, it was not until I was miles off the exit that I recognized the road I would travel down.

The new route would take me right by the place I called home for several years.

As I got closer to the place I used to live, my heartbeat quickened, and I got that feeling of unease in the pit of my stomach. Those feelings calmed as I remembered that the house was not always a house of horror. My mind was flooded with memories of both the good times and the times of greatest pain. When I think about that place, I first remember the abuse that took place within those walls. But then I remember the huge backyard, fields, and woods where I spent hours playing on the weekends with my siblings. I remember the twenty-something cats that were all named and loved. I remember my pet potbelly pig, Petunia, and how excited I was to get her. One of the things that makes disclosures even more complicated than they already are is that there are going to be a lot of painful losses.

I can recall my very first disclosure when my hope was that my abuser would simply stop abusing me. I didn’t want to have to leave my home. I just wanted the abuse to stop.

I know I have touched on this subject in previous blog posts, but I think it deserves being revisited. Disclosure is HARD.

Abusers aren’t always going to be the “bad” person committing crimes. An abuser is often personable, caring, loving even, and he/she creates positive memories with his/her victim too. My abuser attended my sporting events, he took my family out to eat on occasion, he played baseball in the backyard with us, we went to the lake and beach sometimes. He was there for holidays and birthdays. This dichotomy further confuses the victim and keeps him/her silent- how can this person be bad and good at the same time. It is a lot for a child’s brain to comprehend and the child often assumes the “bad person” role, thinking he/she must somehow be causing the bad things to happen.

When a child discloses sexual abuse and is believed, the common response by others is sadness over what has happened but thankfulness and joy that the child will not be abused by that person again. This response is completely appropriate. There is a focus on this newfound freedom. However, we often overlook the many losses the child will grieve in this new freedom. Don’t get me wrong, that freedom is EVERYTHING. It is the only way the healing process can truly begin.

I grieved deeply following my disclosure that resulted in my freedom. I never saw my sweet Petunia again. I missed my bed and my room. I missed a big backyard. I missed my pool. I missed riding the four-wheelers through fields. I missed my cats. I missed everything as it was except for the abuse. These things may seem trivial to an adult, but they are the important things in a child’s life.

If you are a trusted adult in a child’s circle following the disclosure of sexual abuse. Remember to make space for the grieving process of those losses the child has experienced.  Encourage him/her to talk about the things he/she misses about his/her “old life.” Remind the child that it is okay to have positive memories that involve the abuser (though it does not in any way make that person safe or justify the abuse). Doing these things will have long-term impacts on the child’s healing process. Doing these things will allow that child to one day drive past that house and be able to remember the good times and bad without feeling guilty, ashamed, or overwhelmed.

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This was home.

For My Brave Friends

If you experienced childhood sexual abuse and your abuser is currently listed on a sex offender registry, this post is for you. 

And if you didn’t experience childhood sexual abuse, you should probably read this too.

The issue that propelled the start of my blog is, in my opinion, one of the most overlooked issues within the judicial system with significant impacts for victims. I have talked with many people over the last several years regarding the sex offender registry and the most common phrase I have heard is: “I thought sex offenders were on the registry for life.” I held that exact belief and found comfort and safety in that notion in the aftermath of my abuser’s plea deal in which he was ordered to serve only 48 hours in jail.

Disclaimer: I have no formal education on the law. Everything I have written below is based on my personal research, personal experience, and conversations with people who do have legal expertise.

Only 3 states place all sex offenders on the registry for life without the possibility of petitioning for removal from the registry- South Carolina, California, and Alabama. Though, California will allow offenders to petition for a “Certificate of Rehabilitation” or a Governor’s pardon and Alabama will allow a petition for relief from employment restrictions.

Most states place sex offenders on the registry with a designated tier level depending on the “severity” of the crimes he/she committed, particularly if there was violence involved. Typically, the higher tier levels will be given a lifetime registration requirement; however, some states do allow even the most violent sex offenders the opportunity to petition after a specified time period. Nearly all tier 1 and 2 offenders have registry requirements of between 5 and 25 years with the opportunity to petition for removal at earlier times.

If you are a victim/survivor of childhood sexual abuse and your abuser is on the registry, below are some suggestions I have for you (from personal experience):

Disclaimer 2: If you have closed the chapter of your life involving your abuser- I completely support that decision. The following information is for people who may want to know the status of his/her abuser.

1. Check the sex offender registry of the state where your abuser resides. You can click here and access any state’s sex offender registry. Once there, look for the “minimum registration” or “tier level” of the offender. This should provide you with the length of time the offender is required to be registered.

2. Look for the date of registration. If an offender was incarcerated, the registration date will not be given until release (usually). Sometimes offenders have a couple of days or weeks to register following a court ruling.

3. Find your state’s laws on this page or contact someone in the judicial system and ask for the registration requirements of the offender’s tier level. Your state probably allows the offender to petition.

4. Call the District Attorney’s office who prosecuted the case (where court was held). Ask to speak to a Victim Advocate if the office has one on staff. If one is not available, ask to speak to the Assistant District Attorney who handles child sexual abuse cases or sex offender petitions.

5.Request notification from the District Attorney’s Office if a petition by the offender is filed (if you want to be notified). If you do not want to attend, but want to be notified, you can request that. Make sure the office your current contact information and another person’s contact information who would be able to get up with you.

6. Write an impact statement. I strongly recommend writing an impact statement before an offender petitions for removal from the registry. I was so thankful I had been encouraged to write one years before my abuser petitioned. The week I learned he filed the petition, I was a wreck and there was no way I could write. You can find some helpful hints on what to put in an impact statement with a simple google search. Here is my impact statement as an example: https://kendallwolz.com/2018/07/13/state-of-nc-v-my-abuser/

7. If you wish for your impact statement to be read (either by your or someone else) at the petition hearing, send a copy to the District Attorney’s office to have in your file. It will be the judge’s decision as to whether the impact statement can be used in the hearing. Feel free to make edits and resubmit the document at any time.

8. If you do think you will attend the petition hearing and live in an area that will require travel- begin saving some money for this occasion. Depending on the state, the time between victim notification and petition hearing can be short i.e., expensive flights. I was notified on July 3 and appeared in court on July 10, and July 11. I had moved over 800 miles away. Because my case was technically closed, the Victim Advocate was unable to access crime victim’s funds to assist with travel expenses for me to appear in court.

9. Enlist support- now. Find people who are willing to pray for your continued healing. Ask people you trust to read over your victim impact statement. Sometimes another person can help you find just the word you were looking for. Be willing to ask/let people appear in court with you. I had family and friends that came to court with me. I struggled with wanting to ask people to attend because I knew I needed support, but not wanting to ask them to attend something I knew would be hard to see. Ask anyway! They were praying for me, offering words of support and encouragement, and their physical presence strengthened me during some of the most painful moments. A hug, a smile, and shared tears go a long way.

10. Put together a recovery plan for after the petition hearing. It doesn’t matter which way the judge rules- in your favor or not- appearing in court in front of your abuser is going to exhaust you.

If you think this is a situation that you could face and you want to talk to someone who has had this experience, please do not hesitate to reach out. You can send me an email via this page. I am willing to share what I have learned so far (I am still learning). This is a journey you do not have to take alone.

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