Over the last year I have noticed discussion about whether or not parents should allow their children to attend sleepovers. Before I dive any further into this conversation I want each reader to know that there is no right or wrong answer. This is a decision that should be made within a family. Every family is different and every person is different. Choosing one option over the other does not make one family “better” or “worse” than the other. Until I started seeing these news articles on my social media feed, I had not really given much thought to sleepovers, to be honest. One particular article struck me as quite informative and helpful in thinking about what I may or may not want for my future family.
The article was written in the summer of 2015 and updated in September 2015 by Tonya GJ Prince and here is the link to the original post: http://www.wesurviveabuse.com/2015/07/how-good-parents-miss-child-sexual.html I hope you will read her post before continuing.
In the post she describes a time when she picked her son up from a birthday party and asked the “typical” questions parents ask- did you behave? Did you listen? Did you have fun? Do you want to come back again? As she began driving down the road, she felt like something was wrong. She reflected back on an abusive experience that occurred when she was a child. Her mother had asked her the “typical” questions in the presence of the abuser rather than in private.
The author then realizes that asking those questions at the door when you are picking up your child may not be the best time. Or if you do ask those questions at the door, follow up with them on the car ride home and ensure the child he/she has permission to change their earlier answers. If you read the blog, you will see what can happen when you simply rely on the answers to the typical questions at the door. She also offers some questions that I believe will generate better conversation about the child’s time at the sleepover or party.
“How did you spend your time?”
“What was your favorite part of the party?”
“What was the least favorite part?”
“Did you feel safe?”
“Was there anything else you wanted to share?”
As a child and teenager I spent many nights at my friends’ houses and family members’ houses and they were for the most part very positive experiences. I grew socially and became more independent by staying away from home. Even with all those fun, safe, and memorable times away from home, the reality is that abuse can still happen. I have seen both sides of the “sleepover coin.” My abuser assaulted my friend and I during what began as a game. My friend was hurt and my house was no longer “safe.” So I know it can happen even when you think it can’t or won’t.
My hope is that this blog will continue to spark the conversation about empowering our children to identify when things are no longer safe and actions they can take to get to safety and educating parents on the right questions to ask after a child’s time away at any event or activity- not just sleepovers.
Now that I’ve finished writing this post, I realize it isn’t that much about sleepovers, but more about ensuring our kids safety at all places.